Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Examination Procrastination

I’m slowly finding out that studying from home calls for a level of self-discipline I’ve never had.

My very first tertiary-level exams start in four days. When I’m nervous about something, I tend to actively avoid thinking about it. So for the past two weeks I’ve pretty much been sitting in front of piles of closed books, staring into space and thinking about anything except Heart of Darkness and Russian Formalism. While this sort of behavior may not be promising on the academic front, I think I have done some serious introspection.

For instance, I’ve managed to figure out why Martha Stewart scares the shit out of me. It’s because she’s just too damn efficient, and it’s not fucking natural. I am convinced that some time in the future I’ll turn on my television and this will happen:

“…Today I we’ll be demonstrating my very own technique for DIY artificial insemination. Ladies, we’re gonna need a mirror for this one. Also, one to two vials of frozen sperm. Personally I like to keep at least a dozen vials stored in the back of the freezer, just in case. And ladies, remember to never keep your sperm for longer than twelve months!...”

And then the next day on the news:

 "In a surprising and rather bizarre piece of news, today a sperm bank was held up by two anxious women, one of which kept asking her victims, at gunpoint, if her balaclava made her look fat. An altercation ensued when one employee realized that the robber's "gun" was, in fact, a cleverly modified hairdryer...."

Great. Now instead of writing about Robert Frost I’ll be writing about frozen sperm. Won’t my lecturers be surprised.

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